Shot down.

As part of my job duties, I've been authoring some rejection letters in the past few weeks. This is one of the things I'll miss the least, no matter what I end up doing next. It seems most cruel to be rejecting people right around the holidays, although since I am also a current applicant I know anything is better than waiting.

Still, I have some thoughts about the rejections I DIDN'T write in turning down applicants for a variety of positions.

Exhibit I: Short and sweet, with a reference to the season:

Ho! Ho! No.

Exhibit II: To the applicant who clearly didn't read the ad very carefully and is woefully underqualified:

Dear applicant,
We appreciate the time and effort you put into applying for this position. When you have completed the two additional degrees and gained the five years of experience listed under our minimum requirements, we promise to put equal time and effort into considering your application.

Sincerely,

Exhibit III: To the applicant who sent incomplete materials in an undecipherable file format, by email, at 11:59 p.m. on the deadline:

Dear applicant,

qweproi adfkjgha *(*(*
**@)(#$*&#$*%&^W$+)(WE_RTR^T%^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>*()#$%SDF @#$%)(*% EPRGH H @#$(DFG will contact you.

All best,

Exhibit IV: To the applicant I think should have made the shortlist instead of the people the committee chose:

Dear applicant,

Your style, talents, and grace have clearly exceeded the requirements for this position, to the extent that you have frightened the committee members into choosing lesser mortals for continued consideration. They have looked into the shining mirror of your countenance and found only reflections of their own inadequacies. Their loss. Please accept my apologies, and if you're looking for future subordinates to lead into a beautiful new world, please look me up.